


Billy and Teddy's Excellent Babysitting Adventure

by DangerousCommieSubversive



Series: Our Bright, Disturbing Multiverse [7]
Category: Birds of Prey (Comic), DCU, Fantastic Four, Marvel, Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, Young Avengers
Genre: Babysitting, Gen, Humor, Silly, billy and teddy are awesome babysitters, deadpool's a little creepy, franklin richards is a cool kid, goddammit daken, skrull politics, trollverine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-05
Updated: 2012-12-12
Packaged: 2017-11-20 09:35:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/583896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangerousCommieSubversive/pseuds/DangerousCommieSubversive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even Reed and Sue Richards need an evening to themselves sometimes, so they hire Billy and Teddy to babysit Franklin for the evening. Sounds simple, right?</p><p>On the other hand, when does anything involving Franklin Richards turn out to be simple?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Attempts #1 and #2

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this story hit me like a bolt of lightning in the middle of the night about a week and a half ago. In particular, the title hit me. It was pretty amazing.
> 
> This _is_ part of my Multiverse series, but you don't have to read all of the other stories to enjoy it. However, I would recommend that you check out [Kiddo](http://archiveofourown.org/works/541117), which will explain a couple of off jokes and is a quick read. (To summarize, though: Billy is at this point an on-again-off-again student of Loki's, who likes him and has given him a new costume consisting mainly of some of Loki's old clothes).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy and Teddy take a babysitting gig, and have to contend with the fact that people are _constantly_ trying to break into the Baxter Building.

“There's plenty of food in the fridge and the pantry, and you boys are welcome to watch whatever you want.”

“Thanks, Dr. Richards.”

“Franklin's bedtime is at seven-thirty. Make sure he does at least a _little_ homework before bed, and have him read you a book or two.”

“Of course, Dr. Richards.”

“You can call me Sue, you know. Here's all the emergency numbers, on the fridge. There's fire, police, ambulance, poison control, Avengers Mansion, Hank McCoy's office at the CDC, Damage Control, Reed's and my cell phones, Ben's phone, Johnny...don't call Johnny unless it's _really_ bad. You already have numbers for anything interdimensional, right?”

“Yes, Dr. Richards—Sue. I have contact info for the Bakers and for Oracle.” Teddy pulled out his phone so that Sue Richards could watch him adding in the numbers he didn't already have. “I promise we'll call if anything comes up that we can't handle.”

Nearby, Billy was reaching the tail end of his tour of the Baxter Building living quarters, which Reed Richards had apparently been peppering with commentary. “—don't know _what_ he does in there. That door over there leads up to the roof, where we park the car, and _please_ keep it locked.”

Billy nodded. “Of course, Dr. Richards.”

“We really appreciate you boys being able to babysit for us. We'll be taking the Fantasticar to Baltimore, there's a new restaurant Sue's been wanting to try out.”

“Mm.” Sue closed her eyes briefly, resting her hand on the gentle swell of her stomach. “Fresh lobster and crab cakes. World's best food when you're eating for two.”

Franklin, who was sitting at the kitchen table coloring, looked up and frowned. “How can you eat food for someone else? Is it like how birds eat for baby birds? Do you throw up? Did you eat for me when I was little? That's _gross._ ”

“It's an expression, sweetie. Mommy's got to eat enough to make sure the baby comes out right.”

“Why? If the baby isn't born yet it doesn't need to eat. It's not born. Unless...is it a mutant baby? Or in another world? Is _that_ why your stomach gets big? Is there a dime-enginal gate inside it?”

“It's a little more complicated than that, sweetie. I'll explain it to you tomorrow morning.” She bent down and kissed her son on the forehead. “You be good for Billy and Teddy, ok, Franklin? Do what they tell you to do, eat all your dinner, and _no_ powers without permission. Ok?”

Franklin nodded solemnly. “Ok, Mom.”

Reed ruffled his hair affectionately. “You'll have fun. And if you're naughty I've already given Billy permission to turn you into a frog.”

Sue frowned. “Reed!”

But Franklin looked thrilled. He twisted around to stare at Billy, eyes wide. “You can _do_ that?”

Billy grinned. “I sure can. I can do all _kinds_ of stuff.”

“Cool!”

“Speaking of which, Billy, I've been meaning to ask you about an experiment I want to—”

_“Reed.”_

“Right, yes, of course.” Reed coughed and adjusted his tie. “Perhaps later.”

After the obligatory round of good-night hugs and kisses, and the reaffirmation of all admonishments to be good, Sue and Reed finally headed up to the roof, locking the door behind them. A moment later, Billy and Teddy heard the faint roar of the Fantasticar taking off and zooming south, towards Baltimore and a hopefully quiet night out. Sue had confided to Teddy during the run-down of the security systems that she was the one who'd insisted on the date—“I couldn't stand the thought of another night of dinner in a room that doubles as a lab.” And, five months pregnant and dealing with a seven-year-old on top of superheroing and her science work, she definitely deserved it.

Once the Fantasticar had left Franklin sat back down at the table and turned his attention back to his coloring book, where he was covering what appeared to be a triceratops with swirls of psychedelic color. He'd already given it a crackly aura full of little dots. Billy and Teddy glanced at each other for a moment, and then Teddy shrugged and said, “So! Franklin. What do you want for dinner? Do you like macaroni and cheese?”

Franklin nodded enthusiastically, fixing Teddy with an intelligent blue gaze and a grin that was missing a tooth. “That's my favorite food! We have lots of cheeses to use. Uncle Johnny buys them. He says that girls like guys who know about cheese because it makes you look smart, but I'm _already_ smart so I just like cheddar. Do you put bacon in it?”

“Sure I do. Mac and cheese isn't fun without bacon.” Teddy opened the fridge and started hunting up the ingredients. “Babe, could you grab some pasta from the pantry? It's up on the top shelf.”

“I can see it.” Billy squinted up at the boxes he could see. “You want elbow mac or dinosaur shapes?”

Teddy didn't respond immediately, since he was too busy hunting through Johnny Storm's impressive collection of exotic cheeses in a hunt for the cheddar and pepper jack, but Franklin bounced in his chair. “Dinosaurs! Dinosaurs make it taste better.”

Billy stifled a laugh. “I didn't know dinosaurs made food taste better.”

“Dinosaurs make _everything_ better. I'm going to be a dinosaur when I grow up! Like Reptil! I met him last month when Dad took me to the mansion on a visit!” Coloring forgotten, Franklin leaped up, hands in the air like claws. “GRAAAH! Or I'm going to be a geneticist. I'm going to make a dog that can fly and has hands so it can clean up its own poop because Dad says that's the only way I can have one. Can you really turn me into a frog? How do you turn people into frogs?”

“With magic, like in a fairy tale.” Billy twitched a finger, and the box of dinosaur pasta floated down from the top shelf of the pantry, cushioned on a cloud of blue sparkles, and landed on the counter. “See?”

Franklin frowned, scrutinizing the box of pasta disapprovingly. “Magic isn't _real._ ”

Teddy closed the fridge and handed the cheese he'd extracted to Billy. “Grate? I have to measure some stuff.”

“Sure thing.” Billy grabbed a box grater and a bowl, and with another twitch of the fingers the two blocks of cheese began to grate themselves, floating in the air. “If magic isn't real, then how am I doing this?”

The floating cheese did not impress. “Telekinesis. _Duh._ ”

“Well, what about _this?_ ” He lifted himself into the air along with the cheese and turned a careful somersault over the kitchen table.

Franklin squinted at him for a moment and then said, “X-gene mutation expressed through variable gravitational control.”

Teddy, who was now whisking several ingredients together in another bowl, looked over in surprise. “Aren't you _seven?_ What _grade_ are you in?”

“First. I'm _almost_ seven, and the people wanted me to be with the _babies,_ but Mom says most of my really important learning is done at home. Dad says when I'm older I can go to school with the X-Men. And Uncle Johnny says I should go to Charm School so that I can drown in girls, but girls are _gross_ so I don't want to go there, and also Charm School isn't real. I looked it up. Uncle Johnny says he graduated from Charm School at the top of his class, but then Mom said he barely managed to go to college.”

Billy had by now landed, and was grating one block of cheese by hand while the other continued to grate itself on the other side of the box grater. “You _are_ pretty smart. I can still turn you into a frog, though.”

“Did you have to go to school to learn how to turn people into frogs?” Franklin reached into the bowl and stole a pinch of shredded cheese before Billy swatted his hand away. “I don't like school, but Mom says I have to go to school so that I can be appropriately socialized.”

“Not exactly.” Having finished grating the cheese, Billy floated the bowl into the air just out of Franklin's reach and went over to the stove, where Teddy was already frying bacon and had a pot of water on. A quick touch of magic set the water boiling, and he poured in the pasta. “I didn't go to school for it, but I do have a teacher.”

“Who's your teacher? My teacher is named Ms. Pennebrygg. I think she's a mutant. She can always tell when people are lying and she remembers _everything._ ”

The two teens glanced at each other, and then Billy said, “My teacher is named Loki.”

There was a long pause before Franklin said, dubiously, “Loki's a _bad_ guy.”

“Yep.”

“Oh.” Another long pause. Billy looked back over his shoulder, worried. Franklin appeared to be thinking deeply about the whole thing. Then he shrugged. “Sometimes I think it would be cool to be a bad guy because nobody tells bad guys that they have to go to bed or makes them eat cauliflower. I don't like cauliflower.”

Once the pasta was finished cooking, the actual assembly of the macaroni and cheese only took a moment, and then it was in the oven with the timer on. Teddy looked around the kitchen, pleased. “All set. We've got twenty minutes to kill and then it's dinner time. Let's get a head start on your homework.”

Franklin groaned. “Do we _have_ to?”

“Hey, if we get some of your homework done now then after dinner we'll have a lot of time to play before you go to bed.” Teddy grinned at him. “I hear you have a pretty cool collection of action figures.”

“...can we play with powers?”

“Sure, for a little bit.”

“Ok!” He ran out of the room and returned a moment later with his backpack. “You can help me with my social studies homework. Right now we're learning about the Pilgrims.”

They settled down around the kitchen table, and Franklin pulled out his worksheet from school and began talking rapidly and at length about his somewhat garbled idea of early American history. Billy and Teddy tried gamely to follow the thread of his ideas, but after a minute or two it all blurred into a long string of comments about how history would have been _much_ cooler with more dinosaurs. He didn't seem to need much actual help, either; as long as he was talking, he was perfectly able to get the worksheet done by himself.

“...and _I_ think it would be really cool if we could send Captain America back in time 'cause then _he_ knows all _about_ how America is supposed to work so _he_ could tell the Pilgrims because Uncle Ben's friend Jenny said the other day that the Pilgrims were _jerks_ but Captain America isn't a jerk—”

_SKREEEEEE._

Billy jumped. “What was that? Is that one of the alarms?”

Franklin looked up from his worksheet. “ _That's_ the alarm for the hall in front of the elevator. There's a laser grid and an antigravity matrix there. _Mostly_ nobody tries to break in through the front door but sometimes they do. There's a blue button to turn it off next to the door.”

Teddy pushed his chair back. “I'll go check on what set it off. If I need help I'll shout.”

He made his way out of the living quarters and past the labs to the elevator, chewing on his lower lip nervously as he contemplated who might have gotten stuck in the antigravity matrix. It couldn't be anyone _big,_ because a really major villain would probably have broken through the system already. But it probably wasn't a normal criminal, because normal burglars didn't go anywhere _near_ the Baxter Building, and most of them weren't stupid enough to go in through the front door. _So it could be someone like Electro or a Doombot or the Hood...oh god I_ hope _it's just that Johnny Storm got back from Paris early and forgot to turn off the alarm._

He bulked up, went green, rounded the corner and stopped short, staring in horror at the figure rotating gently in the antigravity field in front of the gaping elevator doors. “Oh. Deadpool. That's...actually slightly worse than I was expecting.”

“I know, right?” Deadpool gestured expressively with a katana, slicing the heads off several flowers in a vase near the elevator. “Last time I tried to break in I just got stuck to the floor. This is _way_ less fun. So where is everyone?”

“They're out.”

“Then who are you? Wait, are you one of the Young Avengers?” The floating mercenary put his katana away and peered at Teddy. “Aren't you one of the gay ones? You're Hulkling, right? Does that mean your cute little wizard is around somewhere too, the one who dresses like a Diet Loki? I like him. Once he made Red Skull so angry he _vomited._ Anyway you're _adorable!_ I always thought the Hulk would look better as a blonde! What are you doing here?”

“ _I'm_ babysitting. What are _you_ doing here?”

“Providing a humorous lead-up to the main plot of the fanfic and entertaining the author.”

“What?”

“I wanted to talk to Franklin. I have this great idea where he could make the whole world a sitcom about me.”

“Oh. Ok.” Teddy stared at him, trying desperately to come up with a plan. “Well, uh...Franklin has a lot of homework to do tonight. So he can't come out to play.”

Deadpool drooped. “Bummer. And y'know, the really frustrating thing is knowing that there's some alternate universe where I _did_ get to talk to him about it. Well, ok. Let me down. I'll go bother Nate.”

He sounded so disappointed that Teddy almost felt sorry for him, but he _was_ still incredibly dangerous, so Teddy said, “You promise you'll leave?”

“I promise. I'll come back tomorrow when everyone's home. Then at least I can get an eyeful of Sue Richards. Or Johnny, Johnny would be an acceptable substitute. In a completely non-homosexual way. Not that there's anything wrong with that.”

Teddy hit the button, and Deadpool dropped to the floor with a painful-sounding “THUMP,” got to his feet, dusted himself off, and ghosted out through the elevator shaft.

Scratching his head, Teddy rearmed the security system and headed back to the kitchen, where Billy was just pulling the macaroni and cheese out of the oven. “Hey, babe. What was it?”

Franklin had put away his homework and was back to coloring. “Was it Deadpool again?” He'd colored a little Deadpool mask onto the velociraptor in his coloring book, and was adding a couple of katanas.

“Uh...yeah. Deadpool. Does he do this a lot?”

“Yeah. Last week I actually got to hear what he wanted. It sounds like it might be fun, but _I_ want to make the world a giant robot show, but Mom said no.”

“Here.” Billy handed them both steaming bowls of pasta and cheese. “How'd you get him to leave?”

“I, uh, said Franklin had homework to do.”

“And he just _left?_ ”

“Yeah. Just like that. And I think he might be gay.”

 

\--

 

After dinner Franklin rushed through his math homework, which was far more advanced than either Billy or Teddy had ever encountered, and then produced his enormous box of action figures and insisted that they help provide special effects for the epic battles he staged. He used his own powers to create a tiny city in which the battles could be set, and was absolutely thrilled to hear that Teddy was able to change shape, and thus could easily take the part of Godzilla or Galactus. Galactus turned out to be absolutely _essential_ , because “The X-Men fought Galactus once! Dad told me! He said he didn't get to see because he was in another dimension and I didn't get to see because it was all in space. _Everything_ cool happens in space but Mom and Dad say I can't go yet. It's _so unfair._ ”

Playing with the action figures was in itself a learning experience, because at least half of Franklin's were imported from other dimensions. He had a number of figures of people the teens had met or seen at a distance during the boom tube incident, as well as many, many toys modeled on people that they _knew,_ but in very strange costumes. Several of the toys looked oddly familiar, and Billy realized after a moment that they were little action figures of Loki—he'd seen them around Loki's house. He supposed that it _was_ very like Loki to decorate with toys of himself. Half of Simon's paintings were of him, anyway.

“So who's that?”

“That's Lobo! He rides a motorcycle in space and he's rude all the time!”

“And is that one Brother Voodoo?”

“No, that's _Doctor_ Voodoo! But I can't tell you about that.”

“Why not?”

“Because of _spoiler alert._ I learned that from Deadpool the last time he managed to break in.” Franklin made a 'vroom' noise as he used his powers to fly a plastic Fantasticar over the towers of his imaginary city. “And this is Beak, he's my favorite X-Man who doesn't exist yet, and this is Abe Sapien! Abe is from another universe that Dad says I can't visit until I have self-control because it's full of demons. And this is a Zaku!”

“All right, so then what happens now?”

“The Herald of Galactus appears! Right now the Herald is Hawkgirl. You have to make her fly!”

Billy took the action figure he was handed and floated it above the city, using a bit of magic to make it take on a silvery sheen. “Galactus is coming! Galactus is coming! Oh, no!”

“Now Galactus attacks! Teddy, you have to be Galactus now.”

Obligingly, Teddy turned himself into a rough approximation of Galactus and loomed over the tiny New York City. “Planets are delicious!”

Franklin nodded approvingly. “Now Wolverine flies Starscream into _space_ and he gets to punch Galactus in the _face!_ ”

They managed to enact this without Teddy actually getting punched in the face by Franklin's tiny animated Wolverine action figure, although it took some doing. Then, of course, they restarted everything, this time pitting Franklin's weirdly enormous team of mostly X-Men against an attack by Mole Man. After the defeat of Mole Man, the X-Men joined the Rebel Alliance and fought the evil Galactic Empire.

By the time Cyclops had destroyed the Death Star—“Because he flies the _plane_ and can punch things with his eyes!”—it was nearly seven o'clock. Billy and Teddy glanced at each other, and then Teddy returned entirely to his normal self and said, “Ok, genius, it's time to get ready for bed.”

Franklin groaned. “Do I _have_ to? The X-Men were gonna team up with the Thundercats and fight Team Rocket next!”

“We can fight Team Rocket tomorrow.” Billy pulled over the toy bin. “Right now we're going to stop using powers, all the toys are going away, and then you're going to brush your teeth.”

“But—”

“And then it's time for reading.”

“Oh!” Franklin perked up at that. “I'm reading _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone_ right now! Ms. Pennebrygg says it's too advanced for my grade level but Uncle Ben she could take 'too advanced' and stick it and then Mom got annoyed with him. I _wanted_ to read _Out Of The Silent Planet_ , but Dad said not until I'm older because it's filled with pseudo-science and heavy-handed Christian allegory.”

“Uh...huh.”

They got the toys put away, and Teddy prodded Franklin through brushing his teeth and washing his face while Billy cleared away what remained of the leftover macaroni and cheese and loaded the dishwasher. When he got to Franklin's room, Franklin had already changed into his pajamas (a flannel black-and-yellow X-Men uniform) and climbed into his rocketship-shaped bed (with Star Wars sheets). Teddy was seated on top of the covers next to him, nodding and occasionally pulling faces on request as Franklin read to him. Being read to by Franklin was apparently quite an experience, as Franklin frequently became distracted and went off on lengthy tangents about what he thought of events in the book.

“...because _anyone_ can make a drink that kills you. _Anyone._ _I_ could make a drink that kills you and I'm _six._ So that one is boring. But it would be cool to make a drink that makes you famous. Like, not that the drink is famous, but one that makes you famous for something else. Maybe I could make a drink that makes me into an athlete or makes me win the Nobel Peace Prize or something. But that would be _cheating._ ”

There was a faint clatter from down the hall. Franklin and Teddy both looked up, and Teddy frowned. “What was that?”

Billy shrugged. “Not sure. I'll go check on it. You guys keep reading.”

The noise seemed to have come from one of the other bedrooms. At first it sounded like it might have been a cat, but Billy knew that there weren't any cats in the building, and he'd seen every room on the tour before—all the windows had been completely closed. As he got closer it became more obvious that the little creaking noises were footsteps. _A burglar, maybe? Who the hell would try to rob the Baxter Building?_ He changed into his costume with a practiced magical shrug.

The door to Johnny Storm's room was open, and when Billy looked in he saw that the window had been opened, and that there was someone inside, leaning into the wardrobe and lazily flipping through the clothes. Someone who definitely _wasn't_ Johnny Storm. He stepped into the doorway. “Who are you and what are you doing here?”

The stranger straightened up and turned to look at him. He was shortish, muscular, and Asian, and he looked a bit like a supermodel and, for some reason, a little bit like Wolverine. He also had a _very_ long mohawk, which fell in his eyes—Billy wasn't sure whether it was cute or ridiculous. He smiled, or possibly _smirked_ , and Billy tried for a moment to remember the definition of _sardonic,_ because he thought it might have been the appropriate term. “I _was_ looking for Johnny.”

“In his closet?”

“Who knows? He's always seemed like he might be in there, don't you think?”

Billy blushed. “He's, uh, he's not here right now.”

The stranger shrugged and moved toward the bed as if to sit down. “I'll wait, then.”

“He won't be back until tomorrow.”

“Well, then, I'll wait all night. I _do_ need to talk to him.”

Billy shook his head. “No, you _won't._ If you need to talk to him then you can leave him a note and come back _tomorrow._ I'll tell him you stopped by if you can be bothered to tell me your name.”

“Daken.” The stranger regarded him for a moment, looking obscurely amused. “And you?”

“I'm the babysitter.”

Daken chuckled faintly and nodded, going to the desk and writing out a short note on the pad of paper closest to hand. “You can tell him that I stopped by, and give him this.”

When Billy reached out to take the note, their hands brushed, and it was hard not to gasp—the sensation was somehow electric, desperately distracting. “I—ok. I can. I'll do that. Just... _go._ ”

“Aren't you one of the Young Avengers?” Daken didn't go. He took a step closer, reaching out to tap Billy's golden headband. “Wiccan. You're like a pocket Loki. Aren't you _cute._ Are you sure I can't stay and wait for him?”

Billy wanted to say something, _anything,_ to make him go away. The air felt heavy and thick, now, an eye-crossing cloud of _want_ that Billy hadn't encountered before outside of a few _very_ fun times with Teddy. He _wanted_ to say something, but he couldn't, because he was afraid that if he opened his mouth he'd say something stupid, like, “You smell good.”

Or irrelevant. Like, “Wow, Johnny Storm has a _really_ big bed.”

Or inappropriate. Like, “Oh god, take me now.”

“Get your hands _off_ my boyfriend.”

 _Oh thank god._ Teddy was in the doorway, huge and green and looking furious. Daken took a step back, looking him up and down with a smirk. “I was just leaving.” Before anyone could say anything else he was gone, climbing out the window and closing it behind him.

Teddy sagged, shrinking back down to his normal self. “What is it about tonight that makes people want to break in? Did they _know_ we were babysitting? Billy? Are you ok?”

Billy grabbed the front of his shirt and kissed him hard. “I think if you hadn't showed up when you did I would've done something really stupid.”

“Like what? I didn't hear—mmph.” Another kiss. “Whoa. What's gotten into you?”

Billy felt a little feverish. “Nothing yet. Wanna change that?”

“What—I think that's the dirtiest thing you've ever said to me.” Teddy stared down at him, looking simultaneously intrigued and startled. “But we can't make out in Johnny Storm's bedroom!”

“I don't see why not. He does it all the time. I don't think he even sleeps in here. The bed doesn't look like anyone sleeps in it.” _And we know there's probably a condom within arm's reach._ “I'm just—I'm really—” Another kiss, longer and deeper and—

_“Eeeew.”_

Nothing kills the libido faster than the disapproving scrutiny of a small child.

“Franklin!” Teddy straightened up abruptly. “You're supposed to be in bed!”

“We didn't finish the chapter, and you were taking _forever,_ and I wanted a glass of water. You guys were _kissing._ Kissing is _gross._ I didn't know you were _kissing_ friends.” Franklin paused, staring at them with the intense contemplation that only small children can muster. “Unless it's because you're in Uncle Johnny's room. _He_ kisses a lot of people. Maybe his room has a kissing field. Which is _gross_ and Uncle Johnny doesn't do science, so...” he suddenly looked horrified. “Did _Dad_ build Uncle Johnny a kissing field?”

“Time for bed, Franklin.”

Franklin sniffed the air. “Also it smells like dog. Was there a dog in here? I like dogs, but Dad doesn't like pets because he says they'll get into his lab and knock over all his equipment. My flying dog with hands is going to be a Saint Bernard, and I'm going to make him wear a little barrel like in the cartoons, except that it's going to have Jolt in it instead of the gross stuff grown-ups drink.”

Billy was no longer feeling even remotely amorous. “It's time for bed, Franklin. Let's go get you a glass of water.”

 

\--

 

Once they'd gotten Franklin a glass of water, tucked him back into bed, listened to another chapter and a half of _Harry Potter_ , and reassured him that Doctor Doom was currently safely on the other side of the world in Latveria and all the security systems were armed, Billy and Teddy finally got a moment to themselves. They slumped down onto the couch, exhausted.

Billy's phone rang.

He blinked and dug it out of his pocket. _Sue Richards._ He answered the phone and put it on speaker. “Hi, Dr. Richards. What's up?”

 _“Hi, Billy.”_ Sue sounded out of breath. _“How's Franklin doing?”_

“He's doing fine, Dr. Richards. We just got him tucked in to bed.”

_“Good, good. Look, do you boys have any commitments early tomorrow?”_

Billy and Teddy glanced at each other and shrugged, and then Billy said, “No, ma'am. It's Friday.”

 _“Ok, good—Reed! On your left!”_ There was a crash in the background of the call. _“There's another one coming in!—anyway, I'm sorry, boys, I know we said we'd be back by midnight, but can you stay overnight? Something's come up.”_

“Sure, we can stay overnight. Where should we sleep?”

_“I made up the guest room just in case. It's the one next to Johnny's. Franklin's been behaving himself, right?”_

Teddy grinned. “He's been fine, Dr. Richards. He's a great kid.”

_“Ok, good. If he's still awake tell him Mommy says 'I love you' and that she'll be home once she's finished saving the world.”_

“Ok, Dr. Richards. Stay safe.”

_“Night, boys—hey, over here!”_

The phone call ended.

“So ok.” Teddy stared at Billy's phone. “I guess we're staying overnight.”

“Well, at least we're getting paid for this.”

They found the guest room, were both surprised and faintly abashed to find that it had only one bed, and then fled back to the living room when they discovered that the bedside table had been stocked with condoms and an encouraging note from Johnny Storm. Franklin had been fast asleep when they looked in, so there wasn't any need to bother him.

“Wanna watch a movie? We do have some time to kill.”

“Sure.” Billy peered at the vast DVD cabinet. “ _Galaxy Quest_?”

“Sounds good to me.”

The Richards' television took up a full third of one wall, and their entertainment system was both vast and surprisingly easy to figure out. It only took Billy and Teddy a moment to get the movie set up, and then they settled onto the enormous couch side by side. Billy yawned as he leaned against Teddy's shoulder. “You think our kids are gonna be this hyper? We're planning on kids, right?”

Teddy blinked, shifting so that Billy could settle against him more comfortably. “Well, sure. I'm not _thrilled_ about the idea of spending that much time as a woman, but I'd like to have kids.”

“What—whoa, no, that's not what I meant at all. I was figuring we'd adopt. Although I guess we _could_ try it that way. Just—wouldn't that be weird for you? It'd be pretty weird for me.”

“Yeah, that'd be weird. Anyway any kids of ours are going to be pretty weird people, so that might work out ok.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

Of course, it was just when they'd really gotten comfortable that the outside wall blew off the living room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A-ha! It's a cliff-hanger! (Don't worry, though, I'm writing as fast as I can!)
> 
>  **Short Explanatory Note:** I love Sue Richards, and I think she's pretty smart and hardcore. Thus the fact that she is _also_ Dr. Richards. Her PhD is in marine biology (or at least that's my headcanon).


	2. Attempt #3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Super Skrull attacks! Franklin gets into the lab! Crossovers happen! Oh my god I wouldn't want to babysit this kid!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay. -_- I'd intended to have this chapter done sooner, but it just wouldn't come.
> 
> This gets a little more into the Multiverse Business, what with crossover fun. Time to visit Gotham City!

Billy and Teddy scrambled to their feet, shocked. The entire outside wall of the living room was gone, torn off by some outside force, and outside the wind was blowing hard despite the fact that it had been quiet just a moment ago. Floating outside the window in a cloud of flame was the Super Skrull, face twisted in a grimace. “Where is Reed Richards? Where are the enemies of the Skrull Empire who call themselves the Fantastic Four?”

Billy shimmered into his costume again. “They're not here. We don't know where they are.”

The Super Skrull flew into closer, scorching walls and furniture as he came near. “Who are _you?_ ”

Teddy swelled into his preferred battle-form, grinding out, “We're the babysitters.”

“Really, babe?” Billy looked up at him, stifling a laugh despite himself. “We're the babysitters? God, how are we suddenly living in a bad action movie?”

But the Super-Skrull wasn't paying attention to Billy. He was peering at Teddy closely. His nostrils flared with rage. “ _You._ Blood of traitors. You will do just as well.”

“Me? _What?_ Do for _what?_ ”

“Hand over the Richards boy or face me in single combat.”

Teddy boggled. “Wait, _what?_ What do you want with Franklin? He's _six,_ he's not your enemy! And I'm not fighting you one-on-one!”

The Super Skrull scowled. “He is the blood of my enemy, and therefore my enemy.”

Billy stared. “How does _that_ follow?”

“It is self-evident!” A pause. “Also I am currently running for office. The public appreciates dramatic gestures made in the service of the Empire. I have nothing against you personally, but the polls indicate that public opinion is very much against you at the moment. The Empire is currently a republic. Members of the royal family are out of favor.”

“Wow, _what?_ That explanation is _way_ weirder than I was expecting.”

“Make your choice!” The Super Skrull landed on the carpet, extinguishing his flames for the moment. “The child or the combat!”

“I—”

A number of alarms had been sounding since the living room wall had been torn off, but now a new one cut through the chatter, a shrill, pulsing SHREE-SHREE-SHREE which was at intervals accompanied by a computerized voice. _“Intruder in lab. Unauthorized access to dimensional gate. Intruder in lab. Unauthorized access to dimensional gate.”_

Billy and Teddy looked at the Super Skrull and then at each other and said, simultaneously, “Franklin.” Without waiting to hear what the Skrull said, Billy grabbed Teddy's arm and teleported them both to Franklin's room.

The light was on. The bed was empty. The Green Lantern action figure that Franklin had taken to bed with him was also missing.

Behind them they could hear the Super Skrull's heavy footsteps coming up the hall.

“The lab.”

Another blink-step and they were in the hall outside Reed's glass-walled lab. The door hung open; the electronic keypad was flashing a red error message. Inside the lab the dimensional gate that Reed had pointed out to Billy during the apartment tour glowed blue. A little readout along the top of it, like the sign on a public bus, said “GOTHAM CITY.”

The boys plunged through without another word.

 

\--

 

They landed feet-first on a busy sidewalk in a dark city that was not quite like New York, with no sign of Franklin anywhere. There were plenty of other people around, though—it was still fairly early in the evening. Teddy collared the nearest passerby. “Have you seen a little boy in black and yellow pajamas run through here?”

The pedestrian stared bug-eyed first at Teddy's green skin and enormous size, then at Billy's costume, and then at the glowing blue doorway on the wall behind them. “Um...n-no? Please don't kill me!”

Teddy blinked. “Why would I kill you?”

“...no reason?” The pedestrian pulled himself free and ran off.

“Got him!”

“You do?”

Teddy turned, but Franklin was nowhere to be found. Billy, however, was surrounded by a faint blue glow and looking pleased with himself. “Take a look at the ground.”

On the ground by their feet, extending from Billy's aura, was a trail of blue light, leading down the street. “Is this that tracking spell you told me about?”

“Yep!” Billy wrapped an arm around his waist and lifted them into the air. “Let's go get the little monster before he gets too far. Here, I'll...” he trailed off, waving a hand at the dimensional gate. A blue shield popped up around it. “Nobody can wander through into the Baxter Building now.”

“Good plan. Let's go.”

They flew off, oblivious to the semi-shocked stares of the pedestrians on the street.

A moment later, a crucial planning flaw in Billy's shield spell was revealed when the Super Skrull burst through the gate and onto the street. He drew in a deep breath through his nostrils, lifted himself into the air in a cloud of fire, and flew off in the direction that Billy and Teddy had gone in.

A passing patrol car slowed as the Super Skrull roared off, and the cop behind the wheel said, “Whoa, ok, you see that just now?”

The other cop nodded slowly. “Strange things are afoot at the Wayne Enterprises building.” He paused and thought about it. “Well, stranger than normal, I suppose.”

 

\--

 

They'd only gotten a few blocks when Teddy's phone started to ring. Getting it out of his pocket in mid-air was something of a struggle, but he managed, flicking the “answer call” button and lifting it to his ear without checking the caller ID. “Hello?”

_“Aren't you a couple of those boomer kids the Titans are always hanging out with?”_

He blinked. “Um...yes, ma'am?” Billy glanced at him, looking puzzled. “How did you get my number?”

The woman on the other end of the line laughed. _“I'm Oracle. That's what I do. Care to tell me what's going on? I caught you on a few traffic cameras. You know you're being pursued by some kind of large, flaming lizard?”_

“No racial epithets, please.”

_“Oh, sorry. Are you also a...?”_

“Skrull, ma'am. I'm Hulkling. The guy on fire is the Super Skrull. Have your feeds picked up anything about a small boy in black and yellow pajamas running loose in the streets?”

Billy stifled a laugh, still focussed on flying. Franklin was either astoundingly fast or using his powers to cheat and skip blocks, because the trail kept stopping and starting and he'd gotten _very_ far.

 _“A small boy?”_ Oracle sounded startled.

“Yes, ma'am. We're babysitting him. He got out of bed and took off through the gate when Super Skrull attacked the Baxter Building.”

_“The Baxter...oh my god are you talking about Franklin Richards? Reed's son?”_

“You know Reed?”

 _“He's been doing some research and development work with us. He showed us pictures. Here...”_ A tapping in the background of the call, and then, _“Found him! I'm dispatching Huntress to catch up with him, she knows the streets. She'll make sure he's safe until you can get there.”_

“Please make sure she doesn't scare him. He's got—”

_“Powers. Stuff going on, I know. She'll do what she can, but I have to warn you that I'm calling standby on a Lightshow protocol if he gets out of hand.”_

“Lightshow?”

_“Rogue Green Lantern. And Huntress has him in sight now; keep up your tracker or whatever you're doing and you should find them in a minute. Oracle out.”_

Sure enough, a moment later they heard a shout of little-boy laughter and rounded a corner to see a tall woman in purple and black looking _very_ annoyed. Franklin had somehow managed to climb up onto a store awning, and the woman was standing below it, scowling. “Franklin, you get down from there this instant.”

“I bet you can't come up and—oof.” Billy swooped down and grabbed the back of Franklin's pajamas. “Hey, you found me! _Most_ babysitters take _ages_ to find me. Jubilee got stuck in the _Negative_ Zone when we were playing hide and seek, and now nobody from the X-Men school wants to babysit me anymore.”

Billy landed the three of them gently, set Teddy down, and then raised his now-free hand, a blue glow gathering around it. “All right, genius, give me a good reason why I shouldn't turn you into a frog now and hand you back over to your parents in an aquarium tank.”

Teddy brushed himself off and held out a hand to the woman in purple and black. “Hi, I'm Hulkling, and that's Wiccan. Are you Huntress?”

“That's me.” They shook hands. “Can he _actually_ turn this kid into a frog?”

“I'm pretty sure he can. His magic teacher is very big on frogs for some reason.”

There was a faint click, and then from the earpiece Huntress was wearing Oracle shouted, _“INCOMING!”_

The Super Skrull roared onto the street in a cloud of flames. Huntress shouted, pulling a crossbow from her belt and firing, and Billy ducked over Franklin, throwing up a blue shield around the two of them. The crossbow bolt was incinerated in mid-air.

Huntress started to swear, glanced at Franklin, and stopped herself. “What the fu— _heck_ is that?”

“Dorrek the Lesser! Give me the child or face me in combat!”

“Do you _know_ him?”

“Yes, ma'am, I do. Technically he's my...hereditary bodyguard or something? Anyway he wants Franklin for some political thing.”

“I am _waiting,_ Dorrek the Puny!”

“Man, why are you such a _jerk_ all of a sudden?” Teddy swelled, scowling. “I thought we were cool!” Behind him Billy had picked Franklin up and run with him into a sheltered doorway, still shielding.

The Super Skrull's voice dropped low. “Politics, Dorrek. I'm being monitored. If I get this position I might actually be able to do some _good_ for the Empire, but my opponents are playing a hard game, and the crowds are hungry for spectacle.”

“So...you swing wide and I'll sell it?”

“Unfortunately that will not be acceptable. I must return _with_ you if they are to credit my victory. You _could_ just surrender.”

Teddy sighed. “Not going to happen, Kl'rt.”

Huntress stared at both of them. “So are we fighting this clown or what? Because if not, then I've helped you find your kid and there are plenty of other things I could be dealing with right now.” The Super Skrull's response was to throw a punch at her, his hand becoming vast and rocky as it rocketed toward her face. This time she didn't stop herself from swearing as she rolled out of the way and came up loading another bolt into her crossbow. “Ok, do you think we can beat him or should I call for backup?”

“Call for backup!” Billy's voice was muffled—his shield spell was so heavy now that he and Franklin were barely visible beneath it. “I don't multitask very well! Can you call the Titans? They know us!”

“They're on Tameran!” She rolled and loosed another bolt as the Super Skrull charged Teddy. It struck the Skrull in the shoulder and then was forced out when his skin rippled and became stone.

“Well, get behind cover, please! He doesn't have anything to fight about with you!”

She ducked into a sheltered spot behind a parked semi-truck. “I'll see who else I can get!”

The battle ranged all over the street, crushing cars, knocking over streetlights, and generally causing slightly more collateral damage than Teddy was normally comfortable with. The Super Skrull didn't care, of course; he fought with the gritted teeth and angry silence of someone who wasn't happy about what they were being forced to do. Not, Teddy thought irritably as he slammed headfirst into a force wall, that he was really being _forced_ to fight them—he could've stopped at any time and left them _alone._ But _no,_ he was running for _office,_ and somehow that meant making Teddy's long day even _longer,_ because there'd been a test in history, and a presentation in chemistry, and that was _before_ he'd had to start running Deadpool out of the Baxter Building and keeping creepy housebreakers from hitting on his boyfriend.

He took a particularly hard hit to the chest and flew back, his landing on the pavement cushioned only slightly by a cloud of magic Billy threw out from behind his barrier. “Thanks, babe!”

“Don't mention it!” Billy was sweating, both from the heat of the Super Skrull's fireballs and the strain of maintaining a shield powerful enough and large enough to protect both himself and Franklin. “I wish Franklin's folks were here, or Thor or someone!”

A golden rope whipped around the Super Skrull's shoulders, pulling him up short just as he prepared himself for another charge, and a warm voice above their heads said, “How _is_ Thor? I've been meaning to call him, but it just keeps slipping my mind. Granted, it _has_ been pretty busy around here lately.”

Teddy looked up, startled. Standing on top of the semi Huntress was using for shelter was a tall woman in red, blue, and gold. She was holding the other end of the golden rope that she'd snared the Super Skrull with, and as he watched she leaped from the top of the truck in a flying kick that took Kl'rt squarely in the face. “Wonder Woman?”

“Hi, boys. I was just passing through to visit Batman; I came as soon as I heard Huntress' request for assistance.” She waved to them and dodged as the Super Skrull threw a fireball at her, still struggling to escape her lasso. “You're Wiccan and Hulkling, right? Cassie—that's Wonder Girl, not your Cassie—she's told me a lot about you.”

Huntress took advantage of the Super Skrull's distraction to dart out from behind the semi again and over to where Billy and Franklin were. “Give him to me. I know the streets here better than you do; I can get him somewhere where we won't be seen. Promise I'll stay within earshot.”

Billy grinned, dropped the shield spell and handed Franklin to Huntress before charging into the fray.

Instead of fighting a single, less-experienced opponent, the Super Skrull now found himself beset on all sides, and he didn't look terribly pleased about it. In a lull in the battle he stretched out his neck, trying to get a better look at Wonder Woman. “Who are you, warrior? I thought I knew of all the defenders of this accursed rock.”

“Alternate dimension,” she said pleasantly, yanking on the lasso. “You went through one of Reed's gates. You're on my land now.”

“An alternate dimension? I suppose that would explain why the air smells wrong here.”

Wonder Woman snorted. “That's just Gotham City. _Everything_ smells wrong here.”

In response the Super Skrull writhed in his bonds, not managing to free himself but throwing Wonder Woman briefly off-balance. While she was regaining her feet he hurled a fireball at Teddy, who dodged and then dove headfirst at him while he was turning his attention to Billy. He hit the Super Skrull in the ribs, knocking the alien sideways and _into_ Wonder Woman, who came up punching, her hand still wrapped around the lasso.

When the dust settled the Super Skrull was bound hand and foot, and Wonder Woman was brushing off her hands, looking satisfied. “That's a job well done. I assume you boys will want to bring him back to your dimension?”

Teddy shrugged. “I guess. He _is_ running for office. I don't think this'll help his chances very much.”

The Super Skrull made a face at him.

“Well, do you have any way to transport him there safely?”

Billy and Teddy glanced at each other, and then Billy said, “I think I know a good way.”

A moment later there was a flash of blue light, and from a hidden corner Franklin leaned forward in Huntress' grip and said, “ _Yes!_ Frogs!”

An aquarium tank sat in the middle of the street. It contained one unsually large green-and-purple frog. The frog croaked irritably and then burst into flames.

Huntress emerged from the shadows, carrying Franklin on one hip. “Kid, you are _heavy._ What'd you have for dinner? Cement?”

“Dinosaur mac and cheese!”

“Yeah, that'd do it.” She handed him to Teddy. “Here's your kid.”

Teddy accepted Franklin from her, scowling. “Franklin, you're in _so_ much trouble, I don't think I can even _start_ explaining it.”

Franklin yawned hugely. “I'm tired.”

“I should hope.” Billy was inspecting the aquarium tank he'd made. “It's going to take a lot for me to get us back to the portal as it is. I don't normally carry this much.”

“I can make us fly! Or I could make a car, or horses, or giant racing snails—”

“ _No powers,_ Franklin.”

Wonder Woman ruffled Franklin's hair. “You'll be good, right, Franklin?”

He stared at her suspiciously. “Wonder Woman knows my name?”

“Of course I know your name, Franklin, I'm friends with your parents. And if you don't behave yourself now and go to bed I'll go talk to your mother myself.”

He went bug-eyed. “Ok, Wonder Woman. I'll be good.”

 

\--

 

Huntress saw them back to the gate outside Wayne Enterprises, which was a fair slog considering that Billy was now carrying Teddy, Franklin, Huntress, _and_ a large, heavily-reinforced aquarium tank containing one enraged Super Skrull Frog.

“Wonder Woman hugged me.” Teddy frowned as they landed next to the warded gate. “I feel like this would be more of a thing if I was straight. That's a thing, right?”

Huntress nodded. “ _Oh_ yeah. That's a thing. Granted, some of the people from your side are getting pretty popular here. You should've heard Nightwing talking about that Black Widow person, after the last time he went to visit Spiderman.”

“Black Widow's awesome. He liked her?”

 _“Enthusiastically.”_ She considered it briefly. “I'd say a little _too_ enthusiastically for someone in a relationship, but Kory's a little strange about monogamy.”

Billy grinned. “Yeah. Quickdraw showed us comics the last time he was hanging out. He's a fan of hers.”

“Anyway, it's been interesting.” Huntress shook hands with them and then hugged Franklin. “Stay out of trouble, ok, Franklin? At least until you're old enough to handle it yourself.”

He scrunched up his face. “I could have handled it now!”

“Ok, well, then stay out of trouble until you're old enough to drive.”

“But that'll be _forever._ ”

“Kiddo, I can call Wonder Woman right now.”

“I'll be good!”

“Ok, genius.” Billy had taken down the wards. “It's time for bed.”

They left the aquarium in the lab next to the gate, got Franklin into bed, and collapsed into the bed in the guest room without even taking their costumes off, sleeping the deep and dreamless sleep of two babysitters who'd had a _very_ long night.

 

\--

 

They woke at seven the next morning to the sound of Franklin racing into the living room and turning on the Saturday morning cartoons. Groaning, both boys rolled out of bed, changed out of their costumes and back into their dirty clothes from the night before, and went to go make breakfast.

The Fantasticar landed on the roof when they and Franklin were thoroughly occupied with bowls of Froot Loops, and a moment later the roof-access door opened to admit Ben Grimm. He was covered in scorch marks, and he waved to them as he stomped to the fridge. “Morning. Saw the mess on the side of the building. Super Skrull?”

Billy nodded groggily. “Yessir.”

Ben sighed. “Guy never gives up, does he. And...” he glanced into the hall outside the elevator. “Decapped flowers. So Deadpool was here again.”

“Yessir.”

“And...” he sniffed the air. “Jeez. Wolvie Junior drop by?”

Teddy blinked muzzily. “Wolvie Junior?”

“Daken. Short, Asian, kinda creepy, stupid hair.”

“Oh. Him.” Billy blushed.

“Yeah, ok, he was _definitely_ here if you're blushing like that. He hit on you? Wait, no, of course he hit on you, he hits on everyone.” Ben extracted a quart of milk from the refrigerator, drank it in one long chug, and tossed the carton into the trash. “Anyway, I'm going to bed. Long night.”

A few minutes after that the door opened again. Reed was through first, also scorched and looking very tired. Sue followed behind him, supporting Johnny Storm on a forcefield stretcher. She saw them all at the kitchen table and beamed. “Boys! It's so good to see you! I really appreciate you staying the night.”

“Um. Of course, Dr. Richards. We were happy to.” Teddy was staring at Johnny Storm, who was only semi-conscious and mumbling to himself. “What happened?”

“Discord shot him with a tranq dart. We were in Wakanda. Apparently Loki's interested in stealing their stockpiles of vibranium.” Reed was already going through the refrigerator. “Is that macaroni and cheese? Can I have some? I'm _starving._ ”

“Uh...sure?” Billy blinked, digging in his pocket and coming up with a folded slip of paper. “I, uh...there was a...visitor? I have a note for Mr. Storm.”

“Here.” Sue took the note from him and tucked it in a pocket. “We don't trust Johnny with anything flammable when he's been drugged. Who was it?”

“Daken. He...came in through the window. And Deadpool broke in, but we made him leave. And we fought the Super Skrull. In Gotham City.”

Reed's head suddenly loomed in their peripheral vision—he was standing over by the microwave, heating the leftover macaroni, but had stretched his neck over so that he could participate in the conversation. “Really? Where is he now? Is he still there?”

“He's in the lab in a tank.”

Sue frowned. “In a _tank?_ ”

Teddy grinned weakly. “Billy turned him into a frog. We're _really_ sorry, though, he kind of trashed the place and we couldn't turn the gate off.”

“Who turned the gate on?”

“Franklin.”

“Franklin!” Sue rounded on her son, frowning darkly. “You know you're not allowed in your father's lab without supervision!”

“But _Moooom,_ I wanted to go see Green _Lantern!_ ”

“Go to your room _right now._ We're going to have a serious talk about not playing with delicate lab equipment right after I'm done talking to the boys.”

Franklin groaned and wandered off to his room, bowl of Froot Loops in hand.

Sighing, Sue dissolved her forcefield and helped Johnny sit down in Franklin's chair. Johnny groaned, leaning forward to rest his head on the table. “You got the plate number, right? And there weren't any girls watching?”

“You're fine, Johnny. Just sit tight and Reed will get you an antidote. _Won't_ you, Reed?”

“Oh!” Reed swallowed his mouthful of macaroni with a start. “Yes, of course. Tranquilizer antidote. Right away.”

Johnny groaned again, rolled his head to the side, and grinned dizzily when he saw Billy and Teddy. “Hey! You're the cute ones! Did you get my note?”

Teddy turned bright red, and Sue made an exasperated noise. “Oh, for god's sake, Johnny, leave them alone.” When he didn't respond she rolled her eyes and turned to rummage on the counter next to the security panel, coming up after a moment with a checkbook. “Here,” she said as she wrote out a check. “What I owe you.”

Teddy accepted the check, read the figure on it, and gaped. “This is...this is _way_ more than you said you'd pay us. Is this...” he read the memo line, “oh my god, two hundred dollars an hour? _Each?_ But...we trashed your apartment! People kept breaking in! We let Franklin get into Reed's lab and mess with sensitive equipment!”

“But he's still _here,_ isn't he?” Sue beamed at them. “You didn't let him get kidnapped, you actually managed to make Deadpool leave without making too much of a mess, and we don't have to get either of you out of the Negative Zone. You're the best babysitters we've had in _ages._ ”

Billy stared. “We _are?_ ”

“Sure you are! Do you think you could babysit for us again next Friday?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the silliest thing that I've written in a while. I hope you all enjoyed it!


End file.
